I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
