I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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