I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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