im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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