so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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