The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
