i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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