fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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