I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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