I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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