Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
