There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Boobs speak an international language.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
