you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
