Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
