I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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