Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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