Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
