There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
