I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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