Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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