i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
