The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
