I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
