If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
