She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
