Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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