he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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