I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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