Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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