I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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