I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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