Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
