Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
