I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My life is pants optional.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
