I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We don't watch enough power rangers
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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