I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
