It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
