you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
