you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
