remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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