Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
