My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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