Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
