If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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