You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
