i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
