I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
