Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
