Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
