bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
