she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Welp...herpes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
