You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
