when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
