just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.