I just saw a hot homeless man
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle