She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.