I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again