if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
